Funny Car Updates #18  5/14/00 - 5/23/00

The dream:
I was at the track, the car was almost done (the injector hat was not yet on), and I was walking around with Jim Maher. There was much more, but the feeling of having the car there, and needing to get over to it and start preparing was uncanny. Gee, could it be because I haven’t been there in 4 years? The return of the killer performance has been all a dream so far. Speaking of which:

When the orchestra began playing Tschaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet overture, a woman noticed tears beginning to run down the cheeks of the elderly man she was seated next to. Before long he was sobbing outright, so she turned to him and said
gently, "You must be an incurable romantic."
"Not at all," he gulped. "I’m a musician."

As noted previously, these encyclicals right now are about the OPERATION, the process, the (apparently inexorably slow and endless) march back to competition, and enjoyment (note the critically placed comma there). The notion of positive cash flow (isn’t it a great theory?) is fundamental to the whole deal. To that point, I completed an arbitration with a Ferrari-owning client (he has little else in the way of extreme wealth), who boned me for the remainder of his $133,000 job after about $23,000 of work. He was alleging I abandoned the job (I did not, he stopped the work), and that I should pay more money for his new contractor to do the work. I claimed he owed me damages for stopping my work (25% liquidated damages). I got the result of the arbitration decision yesterday: He owes me $14 grand!! ALL RIGHT!! Finally, a little justice. Now to collect (I know, another endless chapter about to start...). Why not go on the guestbook and make some friendly guesses about when I’ll collect it? I’m earmarking SOME of that dough for the race car (tires, paint). The rest will go to crisis management.

A crisis of another sort occurred for a K-9 dog named “Nutz”, a seven year old German Shepherd on the city drug enforcement team in Waukesha, Wisconsin, who escaped from his kennel and headed straight to a nearby grocery where he triggered the automatic door and walked right in. Our K-9 “Officer” then made a beeline for the meat department, snagged himself a package of prime rib and dashed for the exit.
Unfortunately for Officer Nutz, the crime was captured by the store's security cameras. He's been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation by the internal affairs department.

The other bozo criminal for today comes from Washington, D.C. where federal investigators have cracked a nationwide ring of bozo counterfeiters who specialized in bogus sports memorabilia and forged celebrity autographs.
Apparently our bozos got in a bit of a hurry on some of their products and got confused. Feds were tipped off that it might be a bozo operation when several baseballs were offered for sale. Autographed baseballs. Signed by Mother Teresa.

Condor update: ALMOST got it running. Really. It actually started, but runs terribly. We tried changing the wiring to a Ford Cleveland firing order, but nothing. I may just have to tow it over to Dyno George Thomson and let him do the final tweaking.

5/16/00
What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?
An optimist created the airplane, a pessimist created the seat belts. Unfortunately, one of my ace guys, Louie, showed up “belted” on Sunday, asking for a raise. Like the Condor distributor, talk about bad timing! I kindly said I’d have to think about it. He just never came back. He’s apparently now working on a crew laying rebar up the street, same net wage, tougher working conditions. I’ve left a message for George Thomson for an appointment to tow the Condor in for final tweaking and a dyno test. I’ll have Tanner connect the final water hoses, etc. this morning (OK, I can hear you laughing from here).
Capt. Randy is swinging by today for his 9” spool (rear end gears), and is presumably ordering his axles, etc. (tomorrow).
The very creative welder, Mike Peery, with whom we’ll be doing our lifeguard towers, has been busy doing some studio work. He was to have been here last Wednesday or so. He does whatever welding they need on commercials when they do funny things with cars. He claims it’s mostly just sitting and waiting, but it brings in some dough. He will do some tab work on the FC frame, and some misc. stuff around here when he breaks free.
Randy came by, and as usual donated 3/4 of a day to helping me with the Condor (see, I told you he was golden). Basically, we discovered good ole Tanner had moused a bunch of fuel lines and water lines together in a bizarre and most incorrect way. We remade those, went and got some parts, and bingo, it started right up. It’s loud as hell, with the passenger side header not sucking up to the heads (a purported misalignment courtesy of Muffler Connection, who will be redoing them. This according to Tanner, who as usual was wrong), and not idling well (due to Tanner turning the adjusting nuts 1-3/4 turns in, instead of just a 1/4 turn). I’ll finish the water lines, then tow it over to Muffler Connection to remake the passenger side header flange (read on). You do recall Brad insisted I bring it over so as to have no error in setting it up? Lot of good it did, eh? The best, though, was that I found the windshield broken. Tanner admitted to this when confronted this evening, but why not just come and tell me? You guess.
Sons Mike and Brian are off to see their Grandma in Ohio for her 80th birthday this weekend. There is an unfortunate curse (seriously) in their family: the last two relatives have died two months after their 80th birthday. Grandma said, “Don’t come!” They’re going anyway.
Noticed the results of Firebird on the CIFCA site. Oh, the jealousy juices are flowing big time. Randy and I really want to get our rigs out there. Hopefully getting Tanner out of my life will help speed things along. He’s been at times well-meaning, and at other times outright thieving, but on the whole a major downer. The literally THOUSANDS I’ve spent with him on that car recovering (?) moneys that he owed for stealing stuff to begin with could easily have been given to a qualified mechanic. See, the slap time between the error and the lesson is getting shorter and shorter. Incidentally, left a message with the BAR regarding slime-ball Dave Smith and their supposed efforts to prosecute him. As you recall, I was told they were pushing him to settle my judgment as part of a plea bargain. To my knowledge, they’ve not even served him as yet. Anybody out there in San Berdu or Riverside want to collect on this guy for a fee? BAR responded, “Nothing yet.” Geez, I’m shocked.
And finally, a good bit of news: We got the purchase order for the lifeguard tower project!!!  A simple one-page FAXed document requesting we do $600K of work. Now to find the money to start.

5/17/00
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "You have your hand on my steak!"
"What?" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

Not really far from that point, here is a poem I’ve written about the indefatigable Tanner:

TANNER’S MANNER

This is about a guy named Tanner
who right from the get go
has been a non-stop scammer
......and can’t seem to let go.
With him it’s two steps forward and a mile to the rear.
He has portrayed himself as the victim
on numerous instances
but when you dig deeper into the matters
it appears his insistences
on stealing and thieving
have been his undoings.
Take me, as just one example:
I have been far beyond just ample
in trying to help him.
He has not only bitten the hand that fed him
he has kicked in the groin
the arm that lifted him up.
But just as Tanner’s responsible for his thieving ways
I, too, am guilty for offering my cup
for my philanthropic forays into his psyche (and repeatedly).
It’s my own problem that I keep trying to help him
it’s my own selfishness in trying to even the score
it’s not cutting my losses that has gotten me sore
sorer than one could ever conceive.
What has been accomplished in the last few weeks?
Why, I’ve spent a thousand dollars on (I thought) tweaking
when in fact Tanner’s been wreaking
havoc on my poor Condor.
The Garage Mahal window mysteriously broke
when the only guy in the garage was our favorite bloke
it had been punctured, simply and clean
but oh no, Tanner’d not seen
....he was standing ten feet away and knows nothing about it.
Then the fuel lines are plugged
with work only described as ugh,
he’s been polishing on the new carb
putting dust and other barbs
right into the fuel system.
And then he breaks the Condor windshield
but of course says nothing until I confront him
“Oh I was waiting for the right time to tell you”
....just another excuse from a bum.
If he’s not caught red-handed, he didn’t do it (of course)
but there are only so many ways that you can kick a tired horse
and this horse is WAY fatigued from all this endless horse crap
so Tanner, gather your things, find somewhere else for a nap
and let me get back to being productive again.

That being said, I’m calling Metal Madness welder Mike Peery again to see if we can restart momentum on the FC. I need to talk with him on the lifeguard towers anyway.
Dr. Derek has massaged the website a bit more (you know this as you’re reading this right now). Feel free to leave comments on the guestbook (like: what a bozo YOU are, get rid of that bum.....). Derek also did a quick sponsor logo test in Photo Shop. We’ll work on it a bit more in the next few weeks.

5/20/00
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home,
anticipating the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

The Condor has made minor progress, with some hoses connected, wiring cleaned up a bit more. Tanner has found some momentary inspiration to actually DO something out there, while having been given his first nudge to hit the road.

5/22/00
Some very minor Condor progress, in a moment, But first:
The recent recruit was on guard at the main gate of a key naval base, and was given strict orders to admit absolutely no car unless it had been issued a special permit. Finally, the inevitable happened. The recruit stopped a car in which a high-ranking officer was the passenger.
"Drive on," ordered the admiral to the driver, dismissing the guard with a wave.
"I’m sorry sir, but I’m new at this," admitted the recruit, drawing a deep breath.
"Who do I shoot, you or your driver?"

It turns out the headers were NOT made incorrectly. You know, all I did was go under the car after bolting them up tight, and NO interference. However, they DO leak, big time. I think the welds were not ground flat on the new flanges. So the headers must come out, and I’ve got to track down someone with a blanchard grinder to flatten them out. Tanner continues to amaze. I had him readjust the valves, re-mount a new coil differently (so it doesn’t arc right onto the carburetor!!!), and install the left side collector gasket. I did some wiring consolidation, stuffed a bunch of wiring into Colflex (that black coil wrap for wiring), and I’ll give the Condor start-up another shot this morning. There appears to be a rear oil seal leak or something at the moment, so that may require some very aggravating attention before much else progresses. I guess I should have just pulled the damn short block out and started over. Crap!! YUK!
Capt Laur and I are off to nail down some more logistics on the lifeguard towers (gotta create that sponsor money from within right now). This is getting old. Speaking of which:

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row.  The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.  We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

5/23/00
Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon?
Good food, but no atmosphere.
I’m going to give Tanner a gift certificate to go there. I had him work a construction (actually demolition) job, thinking I had the perfect place, a safe environment for him to do something, and he managed to cut a water pipe while pulling out cabinets! Of course, this was right after another worker stopped him and warned him not to do what he was about to do. The remainder of the day had him getting others to run all around town bringing a torch, solder, fittings, etc. And to top it off, I went out this morning a 8:45 AM to give him a list of to-do’s (he was sleeping in the trailer), and 30 minutes to get up. It’s now 5:20 PM, and he’s still not up.
So, that is IT. I’m loading up his trash bags of clothes, etc, setting them outside the gate, and placing my size 12 footprint on his ass.
Cut the losses, get the hell out!
You must be just stupified at my slowness in accomplishing this schism. I guess it looks easy from your side of the page. Even the dumbest of the dumb (me) can reach a point of education. I humbly accept the Jim Carey award on this. My experience with him is exemplified by this famous “Letter from Camp”:
 

Dear Mom & Dad:

Our scout master told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.  We are OK.  Only 1 of our tents and 2 of our sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for all the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back!
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Web gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about losing the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We've all passed our first-aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.  He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,

Jacob

P.S.  How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

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