| 4/22/00 This update might be entitled Yuk and Yuks.
First, some Yuks:
“The Fire truck"
A fireman is working on the engine outside the station
when he
notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with
little
ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a
fire fighter's
helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fireman says, "Hey little partner, what are you
doing?"
The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a
fireman, and this is
my fire truck."
The fireman walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a
nice fire truck," the fireman says with
admiration. "Thanks
mister," the boy says.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the boy has
tied the
wagon to the dog's collar, and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fireman says, "I
don't want to tell you how
to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope
around
the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister,
but then I
wouldn't have a siren."
For some time now, I’ve felt
like the cat. We ARE making progress, but as the tens of
thousands of words ABOUT this operation attest, it sure
ain’t done yet. It’s a bumpy road.
Qwik thought: Whose cruel idea was it for the word
"lisp" to have an "S" in it?
4/30/00
Per the above: Two nuns are riding their bikes down the
back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says,
"You know, I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the
cobblestones."
Now for the Yuk:
It appears a small cobblestone or
something shattered the Garage Mahal window this
afternoon (that’s a quick $500, thank you). Of
course, NO one standing in the garage at the time knows
anything about it. It’s just maddening. RL has had
his share of setbacks this week as well: the trick pan I
bought from Pete Mauriello, and sold to Randy, now
reveals itself to be incapable of allowing a starter to
be mounted. So his drilling and tapping of the block for
the pan bolts, etc. was a waste, not to mention the time
and money. He also discovered that the
“supposed” Strange rear end is NOT what it was
purported to be (just another annoying post-mortem
screwing by the infamous Jeff Gaynor, from whom the car
was purchased by Randy). So the freshly setup 9”
rear end had to be disassembled to find out just which
splines are there in order to have axles machined to
match (translation: money paid, money to be paid again).
Qwik thought: If you try to fail, and succeed, which have
you done?
It doesn’t make me feel good, but it does affirm
that even the smartest out there can get bitten. Yeah, I
guess it does make me feel a little better about all the
crap I’ve been through to date on the car.
Randy’s just going to get a Milodon pan and forget
about screwing around with it. It’s a superb piece
of work, IF you don’t run an on-board starter.
The garage has made some progress according to neighbor
Ben Holder. That’s great, as I don’t see it. We
are going to take a step backward tomorrow by setting the
trailer outside, rolling the Condor back in to the rear
hole, and tarping off half the garage to be used as a
cabinet shop for a few weeks. The good news is we landed
a $26K cabinet job, the bad news is it required buying
$2500 of new tools to make them, spending another $1500
setting up loading tables, etc., and bogarding half the
garage to boot. It may be a blessing: perhaps I’ll
get the FC body outside and get it douched out underneath
in prep for Zolotone paint on the underside.
The Condor has the supposedly proper length 7.68”
pushrods in it, and now just awaits Tanner to complete
reassembly. It is clean, has oil in it, the heads are
back on, the headers re-connected (boy am I glad I went
to the new flanges, or we’d STILL be trying to get
those header bolts in). He has detailed the engine bay
quite a bit with fresh paint, polishing a lot of pieces,
etc. Now to just get the #%*@#! thing running.
Qwik thought: If a mute swears, does his mother wash his
hands with soap?
Qwik thought: Why is there an expiration date on sour
cream?
The Tanner-dinged dually fender gets its final color
sanding and buffing tomorrow, then Nick is scheduled to
come Tuesday to dial Tanner in on the final stages of the
FC body prep for paint. The echo on this must sound like
the Grand Canyon by now. Tanner has also been buffing on
the trailer trim as well. It is responding, though slowly
(this may be connected with Tanner’s approximately
5-minute attention span on some items).
It’s really a bitch that work has to take precedence
over the real important stuff.
Qwik thought: I went to a bookstore and asked the
saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
5/1/00
Speaking of not yet being ready:
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a
three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all
died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter,
"I know you
guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of
those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't
expecting
you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you
in and we can't send you back..."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone,
"Lucifer, this
is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're
ours,
but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place
up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a
while.
It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later... St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, this is Lucifer.
Hey you gotta come get these three
clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the
Graham
guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised
enough money to buy air conditioning."
The shattered Garage Mahal window
still hangs in its door frame, although it is slowly
disintegrating. The trailer is out on the driveway, the
Condor back in the hole, the dust curtain is installed,
the saw is being readied for making cabinet money (with
extension tables, etc.), and the FC just SITS. It’s
all about the OPERATION (both construction and racing),
very little about the car right now. This waiting is a
pain in the ass.
Qwik thought: Why are hemorrhoids called
"hemorrhoids" instead of
"assteroids"?
The car is the apple on a stick out in front of my face,
keeping me moving forward, with a pleasant (??) goal in
mind. Some other surrounding progress is imminent:
we’re getting the office floor carpet in on Friday.
What a concept: a finished office space.
I’ve got a page into Ronnie Stearns to run the two
additional ethernet lines for networking the computers
(so as to better serve the website and chase that
anxious-to-be-used sponsor money), and we appear on the
verge of actually accomplishing something with the
Condor. Meanwhile, the clone Super Coupe is stuttering
(hugely) when hot. I have little or no clue, although it
sounds ignition or computer-like to me. I’ve gotten
used to NO computer with the Condor. To any whizzes out
there: any help is welcome on the e-mail
(dick@dickwagner.com). More accurately, that e-mail
address might be “dicked @.....
Qwik thought: If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you
still be hungry?
The webmaster will come by in a
while to continue with the web work, I’ll continue
with bidding, you’ll continue reading, and
we’ll all continue HOPING this massive verbiage will
show some ET slips pretty soon. Note to JVH: are you
asleep yet??
Qwik thought: If the "black box" flight
recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't
the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
5/2/00
Qwik thought: Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults
enjoy adultery?
The web genius came and went, made corrections, and took
a vacation to the end of the week. The site is basically
complete. We’ll be adding crew pix, archival info,
etc. But for now, there’s PLENTY of reading to keep
JVH sleeping soundly. The front half of the garage is now
a full-blown cabinet shop, with the last three days
having been spent doing nothing but building saw tables,
etc. The Condor and FC are behind plastic, with their own
side entrance. Tomorrow will see me getting brake lines,
benders, flaring tool, etc. to complete the fire system.
Mil-spec Rob is NOT close to coming in on the FC
wiring-we’re doing a landscape project for him right
now in Ventura. We’re still a few notches down on
his to-do list. Tanner has been advised the only OTHER
thing he is to do is complete the Condor. It’s time
for it to run, particularly since the stock SC clone is
now acting weird. Gotta go now, a check is waiting!
Speaking of weird:
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Carrie Jagels for sending in
today's
report. From Beaumont, Texas comes the story of Bozo
Bernard
Jackson who broke into a car, with the intention of
stealing it. It must have been a tough car to break into
since our bozo felt the need to take a little nap before
driving away. And that's where the owner, getting
ready to go to work the following morning, found our
bozo, sound asleep in the front seat. She called the cops
who arrived, woke the bozo up, and arrested him. His
first words to the cops who awakened him, "It wasn't
me!"
Just to prove that bad luck is not
the sole province of funnycar racing, I spotted this one
in a recent Ann Landers column (although having the name
Randy helps). From Siler City, North Carolina comes the
story of bozo Randy Hayes who was having a really bad
day. Our bozo walked into a convenience store and bought
a bag of potato chips. While the clerk was making change,
our bozo tried to grab the money from the cash drawer,
but the clerk quickly slammed it shut, almost getting the
bozo's fingers. He then tried to grab the cash register
but it was too heavy for him to lift. Next he tried to
snatch a rack full of cigarettes but again was stopped by
the clerk. Giving up, he drove away empty handed but was
spotted by the cops who recognized his vehicle as being
stolen. Our bozo tried to outrun them but lost control
and crashed the car into a ditch. The cops arrested him
on the stolen vehicle charge and on the way to the jail,
he asked if they would let him stop at the convenience
store to get his chips, since he had already paid for
them. Feeling generous, the cops let him go in where he
was promptly identified by the clerk as the person who
had tried to rob the store earlier. The cops added
robbery to the bozo's charges.
Don't know if he ever got his chips.
My LONG-time friend Drew Daniels, a
veteran of the music business, shared this line by a
friend of his:
"The music business is a shallow money trench, a
long plastic
hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die
like
dogs. But it also has its negative side."
--Hunter S. Thompson
5/3/00
Qwik thought: Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
As my back is severely lunched right now, I have tried to
avoid heavy lifting. Certainly my wallet weight is a very
safe load (essentially weightless). Mike came by this
evening, and with the trailer now out in the driveway,
tools scattered by the infamous Tanner, and the front
half of the garage now a messy cabinet shop, I thought it
might be wise to get the ENORMOUS tool box out of the
trailer. This required moving 4 vehicles, putting the
rear ramps out the SIDE door, and three people to guide
the approximately 400 pound tool box gently down the
steep incline on its large casters. That having been
done, just negotiating it over cables, etc. was fun.
I’ll get Tanner to put everything away in the
morning, get the front cabinet area clean, and then lock
the tool box tight.
5/4/00
Today will actually see me getting the brake lines,
bender tool, etc. You thought it would happen in a day?
Randy Laur expressed dismay a couple of days ago at
Tanner using his heretofore brand new Miller 250 welder
(which has been here for about two years). Randy later
explained he was not angry with me or the welder
being here, just with Tanner using it, as he does NOT
like Tanner. Tanner is trying to do his rehabilitative
best, but Randy is having none of it.
Qwik thought: How is it possible to have a civil war?
Anyway, I was a bit upset that Randy was bent, and I took
it as Randy feeling that his tool had been basically beat
up here. So, I bought him a brand new one. I now have
a two year old Miller 250 wire welder in very nice
condition. Randy felt astonished, a bit embarrassed, and
insisted it was completely unnecessary and frankly wrong,
but I persisted and he now has no reason to schlep it
back here for me to make progress (and thus save HIS back
as well). RL has been beyond golden to me, and I hope
this helps move the cursor a little closer to even for
all his help.
Qwik thought: If God dropped acid, would he see people?
On a more metaphysical plane,
twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final
test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a
nude model danced before them.
Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and
they
were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be
ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first
monk candidate, with no
reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same
response
until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his
bell rang so
loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.
Embarrassed, he
bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells
began to
ring....
5/6/00
The car still sits, but the office got carpeted, and that
is nice. Again, the remarkable concept of actually
finishing something! The cabinet-making is rolling right
along, the guys are now cleaning up after each session,
and the FC area remains essentially sawdust-free.
Unfortunately, it’s also progress-free. I had
attempted to get the brake line bending tools the other
day, but they had to be ordered. I’ll be going there
today, plus making a long run out to Prowlers for frame
tabs and other items. I’ll need to sit down for an
hour or so first, taking wheelie bar tubing diameters,
etc. to determine exactly what I’ll need. Randy has
not unloaded the new welder at his Valencia FC work site
as yet, as he doesn’t want his junk back (more in
common) to be destroyed. He’s waiting until Tuesday
for some help on that. Bible Bob and his
“professor” Dick Studebaker have kindly been
working on transforming the single video run of the FC
into an AVI file to be placed on the website. The trick
here is to shrink it to about 25% (shrinking Qwik Dick?)
to fit comfortably on the website, otherwise it would
take about a year to load the 6 seconds of burnout
footage. That reminds me that one of the nation's largest
soup manufacturers announced today that they will be
stocking America's shelves this week with their newest
Soup
creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one
of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists
primarily of a small weenie in hot water.
Anywho, the God boys are having problems getting it to
happen, and will continue striving for website perfection
on Monday. Thanks for the help guys. Bible and Studebaker
work at a beautiful video facility they put together for
the New Faith Ministry where Bible works. Bob’s got
some BIG connections.
We’re doing a roof job for an very spry 87-year old
lady named Sally Sonney, who lives on a 2-acre parcel
that I would LOVE to have. She has played me a bit,
asking that I make her an offer, which she then refused.
I told her the following joke:
A couple had been married for 25 years and also
celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a
fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a
loving couple all those years, she would give them one
wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy
waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a
moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a
woman 30 years younger than I."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
Qwik thoughts:
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of
that song?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working?
5/8/00
Today saw some more OPERATIONAL progress (translation,
stuff got done, but NOT on the car). We added 5 more
Ethernet lines, (thank goodness we added some spares, the
dedicated in-the-wall line from my main computer had a
nail right through it). Ronnie Stearns came today and
finished up the wiring of it all. We did tear out some
drywall looking for the nail goof, then just cut it
off and used a spare. Tonight may see me attempting to
hook up a network. This will be to assist us in handling
the plethora of sponsorship offers to come, no doubt.
Actually on that theme, Dr. Derek of webmaster fame is
working on doing the massaging of my original FC image in
Photoshop, as I’d mentioned nearly two years ago, to
set up cars to car sponsor logos. This way we can send
Shell (for instance) a picture of their FINISHED
funnycar.
While I likely won’t get
Chrysler sponsorship (for a Ford body with a Chevy
engine), it’s worth noting that Chrysler Corporation
is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this
year.
While we’re Clintonizing: American Indians have
nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle"
because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
A language instructor was
explaining to her class that French nouns unlike their
English counterparts are grammatically designated as
masculine.
Things like chalk or pencil, she described would have a
gender association although in English these words were
of neutral gender.
Puzzled, one student raised his
hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided
the class
into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer
should be masculine or feminine.
One group was composed of the women in the class, and the
other of men.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.
The group of women concluded that
computers should be referred to in the masculine gender
because:
1) In order to get their
attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3) They are supposed to help you solve your
problems, but half the time, they are the problem.
4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that,
if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a
better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided
that computers should definitely be referred to in the
feminine gender because:
1) No one but their creator
understands their internal logic.
2) The native language they use to communicate with
other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in
long-term memory for later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you
find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
5/10/00
Qwik joke: “Adam to Eve: “I wear the plants in
this family.”
What is NO joke is the financial crush right now. In a
heartbeat I looked up and I’m about $10K in the
hole. This is not a good thing. So the FC sits again,
everything sits again, and I scramble for the almighty
buck. The Condor has not made it to life as yet. Tanner
broke a previously (by others) joined wire in the
distributor loom, so we’ve got to replace the sensor
and short loom before firing it up. I suppose I should
feel gratified that, like General Motors, business is
demanding enough that I need outside financing from time
to time. This is the time, BIG time. On the office front,
all three computers can print over the network
(HURRAY!!), and after a day of futzing with the DSL, I
moved the printer elsewhere in the office and the DSL is
now on line as well. There’s more to do on that, but
I’m on the hunt for the dough. Our $100K condo
remodel job is paying $7K today (THANK YOU!!), and
I’ve got to pry another 2 grand from the little
87-year old lady for whom we’re doing extensive roof
work (I should be charging her about $3K). I hate having
to charge her at all, but I can’t afford pro bono
construction work anymore.
Sally, the little old lady (“I’m old, but
I’m not senile, and I wasn’t born
yesterday...”) paid up, so that went fine. Just got
word the $7K is waiting. I’m on the way!!! Located
the distributor part for the Condor, so it MIGHT get
started tonight (nah!).
Randy has made some progress on his rig: got his
driveshaft, 4 shaft collars, and couplers for the trans
to rear end connection. He needs now to schlep the Ford
9” pumpkin to Hooper’s (rear end specialists)
to determine the spline angle and count for the new
Strange axles yet to be made. As he is working 3 days in
a row, I’ll volunteer to run that over for him. More
time-consuming crap. Speaking of which:
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same
reason.
5/12/00
Joke of the Day: Generation Gap
You know you’re going out with someone too young for
you when they say, "Did you know Paul McCartney was
in a band before Wings?"
According to Hooper’s and Chrisman Enterprises,
Randy’s 9” section (!!!) is apparently a
30-degree pressure angle, 1.5” 35-spline, Dana 60-70
compatible spline profile. I’m sure Kristy is
thrilled. Actually, RL could use my axles, were they the
same length (NOT). I also discussed with Chrisman
changing my rear end gear from its present 4.56 to a
4.30, for about $500. It WOULD be nice to get the RPM
down about 400 or so at the big end. Actually, a 4.10
would also be nice, for another 400 RPM saving, but I
fear transmission breakage. I’ll make some
inquiries. It’s definitely optional, as paint and
tires are critical now. Speaking of critical, had a LONG
talk with Tanner, who honorably cut his billable hours in
half, and set for the work schedule on the Condor. We had
to finagle a mounting for the throttle and trans pressure
cables. He was struggling, I got it done in 15 minutes.
Political notes:
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of
America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and
wisdom.
Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell
the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you
need to know.
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