Bozo criminal for today comes from Cary, North Carolina
where the manager of a bank noticed bozo John Simpson
pacing back and forth in front of the bank wearing a large fake
nose, a bad blonde wig and large gold rimmed clown glasses.
Before he could get up the courage to go inside, a passing fire
truck with its siren blaring frightened the bozo away. The bank
manager called the cops who put out an all points bulletin to be
on the lookout for a bozo matching this description. And,
wouldn't you know it, a short time later our bozo showed up at
another bank, wearing the same getup. He was immediately arrested.
 
 

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newark, New Jersey
where bozo Ronnie Hamer was pulled over by the cops for
speeding. As the officer was asking our bozo a few
routine questions, the bozo became more and more nervous,
finally deciding he had to have a smoke. He reached into the
glove compartment and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. And
what should fall out of that pack but a marijuana joint, in
plain view of the officer. The car was searched and $32,000 worth
of drug money and several pounds of marijuana was found. Maybe
next time our bozo should try the patch. 
 

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles,
California where bozo Sam Oswald was pursued through several blocks
in Hollywood by police who noticed him driving erratically.
Knowing he was caught and wanting to dispose of the evidence,
our bozo slowed down to a crawl, opened the car door and threw
out a can of beer. Unfortunately, he was not wearing a
seatbelt and while throwing out the beer, he also threw himself out.
After being treated for cuts and bruises, our bozo was booked
on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol.

4/9/00
Here’s a REAL bozo of the day, and it just happened to
me. About a month ago, I was invited by my elusive
plumber to run immediately over to a job he was on to
bid on some remodel work. I rushed over, did a
walk-through with the somewhat ditty blonde, and said
I’d be sending my drywall guy over to have one more
look. After that, I was unable to find her #, the
plumber said she was out of town, so I mailed a bid. She
called yesterday, saying, You know, you were here a bout
a week and a half ago, and my diamond earrings worth
$2500 are missing.”
I reminded her it was more than a month ago, that Dave
was there (Oh no he wasn’t), that none of our guys do
that sort of thing, and that we don’t wear earrings.
“Well, I just wanted to give you a chance before I make
a police report.” I’m gong to call her back and offer to
bring everyone in for a lie detector test. We fail, we
pay. We pass, she pays. Anyone want to buy a thriving
construction business?
On a MUCH more positive note, Butch Schrier (Mr. Nitrous
from Edelbrock) came by yesterday while Mike and I were
thrashing about on the front brakes. He has MUCHO
experience, has NO interest in driving the car, and says
“Making it run floats my boat.” He promises to return
next week and start putting in time. He must come a
considerable distance to do so. Hooray!! A crew chief!
We’re certainly not going to make Sacramento on Aprill
22nd. But we make get some laps in at LACR within the
month, as previously predicted. With his connections,
I’m hoping we may get some help or at least good
direction in getting the prettyfying done, down the
road. Meanwhile, Mike and I are having a devil of a time
with the front brakes, swapping pads, etc. It may be one
of the pistons has crept out, binding the brake when
it’s assembled. We’ve had the thing apart about a half
dozen times now.
On the Condor front, Tanner has been burning hours
getting nearly nothing done (I think in an attempt to
bring down his debt). What HAS been done is that we’re
now REALLY about a day away from lighting it up. The
belt is in (a 93” serpentine wonder), all accessories
are mounted, radiator hose on. It needs a proper fuel
connection, carb gasket, some oil, and a vacuum line or
two. You’ll be the second to know.

4/10/00
We are apparently literal minutes from lighting up the
Condor.
I wish the same could be said for the FC. Having
determined the firing order, valve lash adjustment
procedure, and cylinder placement, we appear on the
brink of actual accomplishment on the Condor. On the FC
front, Capt Randy Laur (RL), has moved his operation to
a beautiful facility in Valencia, and taken on a
supporting “partner” in his friend Jack. Jack has just
constructed a large steel building with TONS of room,
and offered it, and his consistent interest and time. RL
has just lifted and reinserted his engine/trans several
times today, and is installing new motor mounts he just
made. Way to go, RL! My borrowed headers are a little
too long for his engine and body setup, but the lay back
angle is correct. RL has a brand new header new kit
ready to be fabricated into his headers. He and Jack
will be attending the CIFCA meeting Wednesday, and
forging ahead in Happeningsville. Unfortunately, Jack’s
place in Happeningsville had some MAJOR pollen,
producing near-death, throat-closing, chest-welting
reactions today for RL, along with a bit of a mechanical
scare on the FC frame. It appeared the rear end (minus
its third member right now), was set up to run the drive
shaft about through his navel. Fortunately, he located a
Mark Williams catalog and noticed the pinion is WAY down
at the bottom of a 9” rear end (the differential, that
is!). Saved. Tomorrow morning is WGG (web genius guy)
time at 8 AM as Dr. Derek is coming to continue with our
website progress.
Thanks to officer "Jofa" from Boston, Massachusetts who
tells us today's bozo comes from personal experience.
Bozo criminals John Harrison and Paul Harper snatched a
car but were spotted in the act by the owner, who gave
chase in his other vehicle, calling the police on his
cell phone to advise them of the bozo's location.
Knowing that they were being followed, our bozos got a
little careless and ran the car into a snowbank,
getting it stuck. After a couple of attempts to free the
car, our bozos placed the running vehicle in reverse and
jumped out to try to help push it out of the snow. In
the process slamming the doors shut and locking
themselves out. And that's how the cops found our
hapless bozos, trying to break back into the vehicle,
which was still running, with the wheels spinning, stuck
in a snowbank.

4/11/00
More delays: the Condor pushrods are WRONG. Dammit!!! I
was shipped by Jeg’s a set last year that were too
short. Then these are now too long! We’ll have to go to
a pushrod measuring tools (actually a set using
adjustable pushrods) to determine exactly what we need.
I now find that Isky will sell me graduated lengths
right in the range I think we’ll need. So, more money,
more time, more crap. The Holley 600 on the Condor is
being picked up by George Thomson in a few minutes for
rebuilding prior to running the car (since we obviously
have some more time). RL was here for half a day today,
thrashing on the brakes. We shimmed the rotors, switched
pads around, and got them working decently. He doesn’t
really want to keep his rig out at Jack’s, as I’m more
equipped in the Garage Mahal for working on the FC.
He’ll do some prep work out there, then move his rig
here. With enough Benadryl and aspirin, he is back to
human-like. He REALLY gets hit hard with these
allergies.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Marty Maier of Michigan who
sent in today's report. From Ann Arbor, Michigan comes
the story of bozo Andrew Woods who made several mistakes
in his little foray into crime. Our bozo, riding a
bicycle (mistake one), came up to a marked police car
containing two uniformed officers and attempted to rob
them (mistake two). When the officers refused to hand
over any cash, the bozo reached through the window and
threw a punch at one of the cops (mistake three). His
partner then sprayed our bozo with mace. By this time
another police officer had noticed what was going on and
rushed over to help out. Our mistake prone bozo was
promptly hauled off to jail.

4/12/00
Swung by PAW, and their fabulous showroom with
Muldowney’s dragster, Bernstein’s FC, and a host of
supercharged Willys, etc. Scored a roller rocker for the
Condor for all of eight bucks (while I wait for Shanon’s
to deliver my missing one), and a pushrod measuring kit.
Isky has the pushrods in stock, so it’s a matter of
measuring now, then getting what is closest.

4/13/00
All of that is wonderful theory, no? It now turns out
that having gotten a pushrods measuring kit, we find the
pushrods are HITTING the #&^%)!* heads! These are THE
roller rockers, THE pushrods, THE cam, THE lifters
specified as a drop-in for the setup. What the crap is
this? Got calls in to lotsa people, working on this
situation. Maddening, utterly maddening. You’d think
this was Pete Mauriello’s Rodeck motor (he had the very
same problem)k, not a roller hydraulic cammed, aluminum
head street motor. Just more bad advice. What else is
new?
No FC progress, still waiting to hear from Butch on his
schedule. Mike is bailing this week (got a beach party,
he’s entitled). Have a few others interested, so must
start calling them in to work. As mentioned, garnered
some dough, not enough to do any serious help, but
enough to let me take a breath or two. Energy is up,
plans are rampant, progress is minimal! Worked
extensively on the website, getting all the updates
spell-checked and formatted, ready to be “composed”
through Navigator into the website format. As it is
passing 11:19 PM this Thursday night, I’ll close and
dream of progress........Oh, George Thomson called to
say the quadrajet for the work truck is ready, for a
MERE $350!! Christ, I can buy a brand new Holley for
that! Ah, but think of the better mileage (ouch!!). The
Condor Holley should run considerably less. Rick the
Raingutter man was here today, tuning up downspouts,
etc. Lotsa work getting accomplished, just not on the
two projects I want MOST finished, the Condor and the
FC. Hey, you’re sitting there reading this. Why aren’t
you HERE helping?
Bozo Criminal for April 13, 2000
Bozo criminal for today comes from El Cerritos,
California where bozo David Hastings was standing in
line at the department of motor vehicles, waiting to get
his picture taken for his new drivers license. He struck
up a conversation with the man in line behind him,
telling him that he needed a ride since his car was in
the shop. The good samaritian offered to give him a lift
after they had their licenses processed. Once in the
vehicle, our bozo shoved the man out and took off in his
car. The cops had no trouble finding our bozo, however.
They just had the man look
through the day's license photos and pick him out.

4/14/00
Warning! Actual progress ahead! Went to Enderle
yesterday, dropped off the injection, and returned today
to retrieve a freshened pump, adjusted and
re-butterflied hat (although it was brand new), and a
leak-proofed barrel valve, adjusted and ready to run.
Jim Rehfeld suggested I alter the primer inlet to the
fuel block at the rear, a much cleaner setup. We also
found the check valve ball was missing from that nozzle.
That was why it kept sucking the primer tank dry each
run. How about that! This saves me from buying and
installing a separate solenoid (if you remember WAY back
in the updates history). The pump was down about a 1/2
gallon per minute on flow at full speed (should be over
13 GPM, was about 12.4 GPM). This translates into about
a .15 leaner pill on the high end. Fortunately, my setup
was WAY fat, so it was not a problem. All it took was
shaving a little off the front of the housing and all
was better. But the seals in the barrel valve and fuel
shutoff were HARD from sitting for 4 years (therefore
leaking). All better now, for under $80. Everything else
should go so well as with Enderle. At my asking, Jim
agreed that a second pump would be smart, since there’s
no way to diagnose a flow problem (except frying the
motor perhaps), let alone fixing it, if the pump goes
bad. When some dough comes in, I’ll get a spare. Tanner
has been buffing away on the Condor and trailer, since
we’ve run into the pushrods impasse. No word from the
few experts I’ve left messages for concerning the
problem. So it’ll sit over the weekend, farther from
running than hoped for. Meanwhile, some luster has
returned to some heretofore grubby trailer paint, and
some areas of aluminum trim. RL is at Sears point this
weekend with his buddy Mike Kirby, and promises to bring
his bitchin’ Bador polisher over on Monday. Tanner can
then go crazy. I’ll turn Tanner loose on the Condor
paint, the remainder of the trailer, and miles of
aluminum trim. It appears we’ll be pulling the heads off
the Condor to drill out the pushrod holes. I’m hoping
not (and you know just how good that’s worked in the
past).
Bozo criminal for today comes from Spearfish, South
Dakota where 17 year-old bozo Randy Hill stole a car. He
drove it around for a while and then stopped in a
restaurant for a bite to eat. While sitting in the
restaurant he noticed a couple of police officers
walking in. Thinking the jig was up, our bozo threw
himself spread eagled on the floor in front of the cops
and said, "Please don't shoot me! The car is in the
parking lot."  The officers, who had simply stopped at
the cafe for a cup of coffee were more than happy to
arrest the bozo.

4/15/00
No word from Butch, notwithstanding message left at his
home earlier today. However, I DID get some computer
improvements today. Got a whopping 19” Mitsubishi
monitor (took the floor demo and saved $150!), AND a
limited edition iMAC DV, (a refurbished unit, either
opened and re-sealed, or perhaps a corrected problem),
saving ANOTHER $300! And it comes with a two year
extended warranty to boot. Took ALL my equipment over to
CompUSA, but we were unsuccessful in getting everything
to work with everything. It looked just like the Staples
commercial where the guy sets up his office in the
store. It was funny, except for my salesman who was
going bonkers (actually he was just concentrating REAL
hard). Nonetheless, my old Mac Quadra 610 now is usable
for wife my, using the prior 13” monitor I used, the new
iMAC sits on the secretary’s desk, and my LARGE monitor
now hovers over me. More work to do with the interfacing
of everything, but it’s functional, and will allow me to
work at MY desk while Tanya works at HERS. We have three
desks, three MACs......looks like an office.
Tomorrow will see Dr. Derek here to do more web work,
and hopefully we’ll see the thing operational in a few
days. None of this LOOKS like racing, but it ALL is
necessary to bring in the moolah to GO racing.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Douglas McKenzie who sent in
today's report. From Tulsa, Oklahoma comes the story of
bozo Stanley Shafer who ran a red light in full view of
a police officer. The patrolman flipped on his light and
signaled to the bozo to pull over. Of course, being a
bozo, he decided to try to outrun him. And he did a
pretty good job, too, leading the cop on a chase with
speeds up to 100 miles per hour. Then our bozo came to a
toll plaza. Most criminals being pursued by the cops
would either avoid a toll road entirely or speed through
without paying. But not a bozo. He pulled up to the
booth, stopped and was fumbling for his change when the
officer arrested him.

4/16/00
Still no word from Butch. I sure hope this doesn’t end
up like the Church promise. As you know, this is a Fire
Car theme, so here’s a little laugh on that theme:
A fireman is working on the engine outside the station
when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the side.  The boy is wearing a
fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a
cat.
The fireman says, "Hey little partner, what are you
doing?"
The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman,
and this is my fire truck."
The fireman walks over to take a closer look.  "That
sure is a nice fire truck," the fireman says with admiration.
"Thanks mister," the boy says.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the boy
has tied the wagon to the dog's collar, and to the cat's
testicles.
"Little partner," the fireman says, "I don't want to
tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie
that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but
then I wouldn't have a siren."

4/20/00
RL dropped his new Baldor polisher by Monday, and Tanner
has been smokin’ on it. RL also dropped by yesterday
with his still-in-the-box stand for it. Is this guy the
greatest, or what? He also just became a grandpa
yesterday, to a beautiful 11-pound 22-inch girl (where
are her car keys at that size??). Former crew member
Nick Pellegrini called the other day, wondering how the
car was coming. He showed up last night and we did
accomplish some brake line work, set the rear calipers,
and got whatever fire system tubing I still have routed
and bolted up. I’ll need a flaring tool and tube bender,
and some tubing to complete the fire system. It’s
interesting to see that EACH little piece has the
potenital for beauty. As it is, we’re going with pure
utility until it’s all together, then we’ll go back and
dial in the beauty as time and money permit. Nick has
promised to return Sunday, so we may have a REAL crew
working this weekend.
As you may know (since you’re reading this),
dickwagner.com is up and functioning, with all the
remaining prior updates being loaded in today or
tomorrow. Crew chief Butch Schrier e-mailed that he was
clearing some final items on his calendar, and was
approaching readiness “to kick ass” on the car. Speaking
of derrières:
Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of
Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've
never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."