Funnycar Updates Number 21

Funny Car Updates #21 6/29/00-8/20/00

6/29/00
In actual FC news, Dave McDannel has sold his CHP Camaro car to Sean Dale of CIFCA. Dave still has his truck and trailer for sale. I'm surprised and NOT surprised, after all Dave HAS been drag racing for 38 years! I just can't imagine he didn't ask me about buying it first. No matter, done deal, adios to that operation. Now Randy and I are THE light bar cars. Dave also insists that the CHP star is retired as well. I was hoping I could get him to transfer it to me to perpetuate his program, but no way.
Butch Schrier is contemplating some changes, and still wants to come aboard as crew chief. With the introduction of the notion of allowing nitrous with blowers, he would be well-prepped. However, there may be no tuning advantage as yet to this combo. Time will tell on this one.
Nick came by late last night to view the FC, and pronounced again that it needs just a little touch up here and there, 2 coats of primer and blocking, and then the real paint.
John and Bob have been swamped with work on our projects, so nothing has happened as yet in the paint prep dept.
Son Mike is coming by shortly, but we're going to work on his Eclipse, changing some brake pads.
And Glen Prine, a fireman friend of Randy's has expressed interest in helping. Glen is a perfectionist, and will be a VERY welcome addition to our crew. He literally will make two passes with a razor blade and toss the blade. The trick is just working around his schedule. Bible Bob will be here on Sunday to chip away on the list for a couple of hours. Thanks, Bob.
The biz has just about killed me, both fiscally and emotionally. It is taking its toll physically, as I'm just exhausted. So enough is enough. A LOT of changes are about to be made in how (and why) I do this business. As we are about to finish the cabinet job which has handcuffed me inside the garage, I'm looking now to get the Condor out by later in the week, roll out the FC to do the underbody cleaning, get all the tools back in their little beds, and get a handle on this silliness. It is crushingly obvious that I am in WAY over my head with too damn many projects, huge negative cash flow, and too many people sucking me dry on an hourly rate.
I have reached the critical point of discontent, and fur is going to fly. I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but I do intend to snap it on some buttocks.

Speaking of which:
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady
and they are very much in love. However, no matter
what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to
sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard,
and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping
young man. While the two of you are making love, have
the young man wave a towel over you. That will help
the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire
a handsome young man and he waves a towel over
them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she
is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the
rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the
young man make love to your wife and you wave the
towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young
man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves
the towel. The young man gets to work with great
enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

7/2/00
Well, Bible Bob and I are involved in some screwing today, but it's the rear wheel screws to hold the new slicks, with only towels to wipe down some polishing compound. It turns out we're 10 screws short of what we need (for a total shortage of 16), notwithstanding my order for 70 screws, needing only 64. Jeg's is sending me a pack of additional screws to handle the difference at no charge. Bible is learning the nuances of wheel polishing, cord coiling, etc. I've reviewed my to-do list on the operation, and looked at some of the prior 136 items (latest list) that have been accomplished. There are 29 active items on this "new" outdated list, not including some newer things. Yeah, we've got a ways to go yet. In fairness, these "newer" items include some updates to the toolbox, trailer, etc.
I was talking with McDannel, and it appears that John Van Houten will go again with the car as crew chief for Sean Dale. Apparently, Sean will be flying John to the races! Now, I could not have afforded that sort of treatment (of course it wouldn't have been necessary as we're local). It appears the sale was for the best all the way around.
As noted ad nauseum, the financial portion of the race operation has been crushing. I've had an angry, sweat-producing, stomach-knotting, head-spinning catharsis about the business. In short, I've had it with the usury of my workers (and customers) and my own well-meaning but misdirection of how I've structured the business. A wholesale revamping is in progress, with some obviously hard-line approaches to some things. If it doesn't work, I'll be out of this business in short order. This might not be a bad thing. Meanwhile, I'm giving it everything I've got in one last thrust to bring it to profitability. I've received 5 Albert Schweitzer Philanthropic Construction Awards and 8 Mother Teresa Citations for my pro bono approach to construction. I can no longer afford to pay for the privilege of doing projects. I'm leveraged beyond the max, and the incessantly incomplete race operation is a brutal reminder of the shortfalls so far.
Meanwhile, Bible and I worked away today on the rear wheel polishing and drilling out the rear wheel spacer plates. Now you understand that these were supposed to be pre-drilled plates, ready to go. No such luck. The pattern is maddeningly close, the holes are undersize, and trying to fudge a hole over a little bit just causes my drill press to drop its tapered chuck out. So I'm just redrilling all the plates, which is worse than starting from scratch, as it's a bear trying to find room for NEW holes. It's become another in the very long string of little crap that is making this FC prep go on for apparently forever. I'm filing, etc., by hand in many cases on these plates. Mind you, there are 5 spacer plates required to get the wheels were they belong (the rear end is not centered, so three on one side, two on the other) making it 25 holes to mess with.
Randy Laur is off for the holiday, doing some work on his car. He got his headers welded up, and is due to return mine so I can finagle with them, put in exhaust temp bungs, repair minor defects, etc., before I also send them out for plating.
Danny Daniels, the local welder and wants-to-be FC crew member, showed up today and did some pro bono welding on my fencing. He was hot to do some FC stuff, but I don't have the materials here yet for him.
The Gremlin is still here, and I'm about to throw on some plug wires. Tomorrow I'll order the air shocks. I think my cabinet guy's interest was not genuine. He is looking for us to give some work, and he just bought a used truck for 9 grand. Whatever, as Nick has viewed it, I'll meet with him on July 4th in the afternoon and just knock it out, come back for out BBQ, and move along (that's the smooth plan anyway). Can't reach the recommended upholsterer, who is thankfully very local.

7/5/00
Now, we all know how smooth plans don't turn out. This one went according to normal history. Nick was out, didn't call me when he returned, and wondered today why I hadn't come over. I reminded I DID, and he wasn't there. I'm taking the clone Tbird over for some moulding replacement tonight, and the
Gremlin will get sanded tomorrow night, or so Nick says.
We're supposedly wrapping up the cabinet job tomorrow (it was to be done today, remember?), due to a delay waiting for the painter to clear coat the cabinets. Then we get the Condor out of the garage, over to the dyno man, and get some action. The trailer will roll back in, the dually will back on in, the driveway will clear on out, and we'll begin to delude ourselves into thinking we've accomplished something.
Son Mike will be here at noon on Saturday to nudge the FC along. We'll put the front brakes and wheels back on, and hope they'll fit with the 2" taller tires. I've done about 3 of the 5 spacer plates (what a drag!!), and I'll try to knock the other two out to make that a complete thing. With the wheels and tires back on, we'll have a bit more room again, and will also be able to roll the chassis out to allow the body to be wheeled out and cleaned. No promises here, the body likely won't see the driveway on Saturday, but likely Sunday those little dollies will roll out there with the body squinting in the sunlight, ready to get its armpits washed.
Talked with McDannel again tonight, and he has not even begun to approach his parts liquidation list. He did say he was going to the remainder of the CIFCA races as a spectator ("never SEEN a race"). I reiterated my interest in the CHP star, and he won't have anything to do with getting it transferred. Frankly, I don't like the black and white paint color scheme, so I'll just hang with the no-paperwork approach on the fire dept theme, using a corrupted version of the State seal to avoid any validation problems.

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

I know the following is going to come back to bite me, particularly from Pistol Pete. Nonetheless:
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage:
26,911 words.

7/10/00
Son Mike showed up on Saturday, and we made some progress. We got the front brakes back on, a task made difficult because the carefully matched parts had been scattered from their carefully set places. The front tires required some work to fit, as they are now two inches taller than previously. This was done to get the front of the car up about an inch for better ground clearance on the pan, rolling in and out of the trailer, etc. It was right at the 3" minimum, so an inch should help. However, the taller tires didn't quite fit the front wheel wheels. About a half hour of grinding away fiberglass got the trick done. The rears went on with little problem. We'll need to trial fit the rear tin to make the final adjustment on the left rear, but we're within an 1/8" inch or so, and have sufficient clearance on the rear body/fender wells. I don't know if any 36" tires would now fit, but that lesson is history anyway.
The Condor fans work half-well. The top two work great, the bottom two are punked out. Interesting, as they've been sitting idle for 19 months. I've had mixed luck dealing directly with the owner of Perma-Cool, Walt Dederich, regarding warranty stuff. Mind you, Walt really loves what he does, is a staunch supporter of CIFCA, and therefore I wholeheartedly support his products. And, he was helpful at the outset with my 4-fan setup 3 years ago. Given the switch of most speed equipt business to mail order, I can buy cheaper from Jeg's than directly from Walt! We'll see how this one goes.
Jeg's came through with the additional packet of wheel screws, so that's a done deal. How about that? Something done!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Johnny stood up and said, "Yes, ma'am, my
daddy told me this story about my Aunt Laura. Aunt Laura
was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She
killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that
horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Aunt Laura when she's been drinking."

We have begun to disassemble the cabinet shop in the garage, and of course are synthesizing new inventions as we go. One of which is how to store a basically 8x8 saw table (not to mention the saw itself). We have decided on mounting it on the wall, and folding it down like an ironing board when needed. This will require a wee-bit more than mounting an ironing board, but that's the plan. For now, we'll prop it up and get the Condor out and over to Thomson for final tweaking. And in more progress news, the Gremlin is at the upholstery shop as we speak. It's original 25 year-old interior is being replaced with a velour gray theme. The blue plastic will be colored gray, and the sheet metal areas done in a gray/red Zolotone. The exterior will be prepped by yours truly and any help I can get, finalized by Mr. Nick, and shot a Dodge Red by a painter in the Valley. We'll color sand and buff it after using a detailer of preference, Chinto's. The rear shocks are proving hard to find. The wheels will be easy, as the front and rear bolt patterns appear the same. I'll get the little darling over there later in the week (riding on new seats) for Mark to give me the word on what wheels will fit.
I was at Cruiser's on Friday night, looking at a very pretty 396 BBC Nova along with another interested spectator. He made some comment about the motor, and I noted I had essentially the same motor in a 75 Gremlin. "Oh, you're the guy who had it here two weeks ago! I just sold my Tbird, and I'm interested in your car." I gave him my #, and he said he'd call me Thursday to see it after the interior is done. He asked that I quote him a price right there "to avoid any hassles later on." I said about $6K with the paint and interior done. He said that was good. Stay tuned. This will convert this formerly little stinking car to a fairly buffed street monster, and should Mr. Gonzales come through, put a little gelt in my felt.

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a
subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was
stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began
reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the
priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap
wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for
your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning
to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the
man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to
come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does.

7/11/00
Not much on the FC today, although I did attempt to enlist our Lifeguard Tower Inspector onto the crew. He just sold an 11-second Coronet with a 440. We're still long on crew promises and very short on actual help. So far it's Randy, Mike and Bible Bob.
Randy is doing some work on his rig today (last day off) in between running down parts for the lifeguard towers. Joe Factor Sales (surplus aviation bolts, etc.) is going out of business, and is having a 50% off sale. Randy and I will run down there Thursday with a list of our needs and try to buy needed bolts/fasteners at great prices, apparently for the last time.
Still waiting on our intrepid video guy to help with doing the sponsor mockups in the computer. And Butch Schrier is still working on freeing himself from his entanglements. He professes serious desire to get going on the car. That makes two of us.

Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists as opposed to people who play one on TV).

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be
Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout
Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Ø Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Back on 6/22, I noted the following list:
Next on the agenda were:
drilling the wheel spacers for proper fit-DONE

The rest remain undone:
getting the windshield and side windows material (MR10 Lexan)-ORDERING IN THE MORNING (NOW THAT A CHECK IS COMING)
setting the side window attachments
polishing the wheels and other aluminum-PARTIALLY DONE BY BIBLE, and on the trailer
resetting the collar on the body around the blower
priming and blocking the body for the last time prior to paint-WORKING ON SOME ALTERNATE LABOR
getting actual paint on it
cleaning the underside of the body and spraying zolotone paint-
I'LL BE CONTACTING MODERN PAINT ABOUT THAT TOMORROW
running the remaining small bits of brake line and fire system tubing and setting the nozzles-MIKE AND I SET FOR THIS WEEKEND
putting the driveshaft collars on (ordered and waiting)-RECEIVED AND ABOUT TO BE INSTALLED
altering the puke tank mounting only slightly
setting the puke tubes front and rear
adjusting the starter for proper engagement
lighting the beast off
clearing the trailer
mounting the new generator-BOGARDED FOR THE LIFEGUARD JOB
checking the trailer air conditioning
making a lap at Palmdale

MORE OF WHAT YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT FUNNYCAR RACING
The saw system has been dismantled, and the design for storing it somewhat firmed up. We'll do something temporary to get the garage clear for now, and get on with the permanent design shortly.
Frankly, clearing the trailer is going to be a biggie. The 11 boxes of organ pipes in there will have to go somewhere, and the organ ain't ready to receive them (Pete: are you paying attention here?). Thankfully, the squatters who were in the trailer are out. And even more thankfully, I don't need to use it right now. Come time for paint, though, I may be needing to do some serious humping.
McDannel still has not gotten around to inventorying his remaining tools, etc., so no more goodies for me to find places for as yet.
As tomorrow sees the arrival of the 2nd mortgage proceeds (paltry at best), about $31K after other things handled, I'll be paying SOME bills, getting around to a little of MY stuff, and trying to save enough for the lifeguard towers parts order.
We're about to get some bucks from two jobs that are about to finish. But short of the big spin, we're still struggling.
It's amazing to be struggling with these kinds of numbers of dollars coming and going (more going than coming).

7/13/00
Today was more in than out (so far). The second mortgage funding arrived (finally), so I have a few minutes of feeling like I'm ahead of the game. So many checks to write, so little time. No news to any of you, but the trick here is NOT to write it all out. I have to work out a cash flow plan, in the most assiduous (meticulous and detailed) way. These are literally the last funds of any kind I can get my hands on, and they must get me through the critical first stages of the lifeguard towers, or no more racing, EVER. I would LOVE to just throw it towards the FC, but I just can't do that. You might say today is a banner day, in more ways than one.

Similarly:
Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said,
"Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mr. Clinton asked.
Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN."
Mr. Clinton responded, "You know, Saddam, I am really
happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner." "What did the banners say?" Saddam asked. "I don't know," replied President Clinton, "I can't read Hebrew."

RandyMan has been working on the stainless steel parts list, and I'm off to get some of the MUCHO expensive hardware right now.
Joe Factor is closing its surplus hardware doors, and everything is half off. I'm going to swing by and try to load up on whatever is available for we might need in grade 8 bolts, stainless, etc. for the race car.
Didn't get to Allen Bolt for the stainless, not to Joe Factor, but did do a LOT of driving. I could get despondent over this kind of work, delay, and little result.

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was
particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join
him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with
quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the
decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly
broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a
vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be
just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Anyway, I did select and pay for the exotic hardwoods for the bath (Australian Lacewood) and office (Hawaiian Koa), just gorgeous stuff. Perhaps I should use a little for a wood dash in the FC (right around the air-conditioning grilles). We're desperately trying to finish off the sniggling little stuff that just eats time and money on a couple of jobs. It is particularly galling when there is NO profit to start with, so it's just more out of pocket. The bright side is the sooner it's done, the sooner it's over with.
Which mightily applies to the race car. I WILL be appropriating some of this last-source-in-the-world 2nd mortgage loan money to finish the car. Not much, mind you, but some. Read on, and see how much.
The Gremlin interior came out just great, thank you. Now to get on with the body prep and paint. Nick will do the final touches (he says) on Saturday. I will grind on it tomorrow.
I'm aiming to have it at Cruiser's a week from tomorrow night (Friday the 21st) to turn some heads. Lofty dreams.
I will also be getting on the phone to our erstwhile crew members to scare up some support. More lists to make.

7/15/00
In a surprising turn of events, Nick called tonight and suggested I use a former employee, Rick, to do the Gremlin bodywork and paint prep. As it is, I've decided to let Rick (at his Xtreme Auto Detail) do the whole thing. He'll be finishing off the body tune up, priming, blocking, and painting it. He'll also do the color sanding, Zolotone the interior panels, door jambs, and the underhood area. So about this time next week I should have a red Gremlin in which to toodle into Cruiser's. If things go awesomely, I'll make it for next Friday night. If not, I'll motor over the following week, with higher prices on the For Sale sign. And further, Len Burgeson, the cabinet guy, may do a partial trade constructing my office and bath cabinet fronts for the Gremlin. He'll have to move fast, since the price is going up. I scored some incredible Hawaiian Koa, and Australian Lacewood. The wood cost 50% more than the Gremlin!
In actual FC news, Rick expressed interest in getting his name on the car by trading work on the body and paint. I sat him in the car, and he was hooked. He's in agreement about Zolotone on the underside, saw what's needed on the top, and suggested he do a lot of the body prep work in my garage to speed things along. Nick will still likely do the spraying of the paint in his booth. My idea would be to trade him all but the actual spraying of the yellow paint for ink on the car and trailer.
We made some progress today on the garage, with Ed Antcil (aka "Tiny" @ 260 lbs) nicely organizing LOTS of random wood into meaningful groups, cleaning things up, making moving the saw much easier later tomorrow. Ed comes from the aerospace industry, and is very into neat, organized, efficient. Yeah baby!! He also wants to loose some weight (he's more tall than fat), and can't wait (pun intended) to hump the lumber in the driveway just for exercise. This is progress.
Randy returned my headers, which nearly got run over by a friend's Porsche the other day. He gently kissed them with his bumper as he pulled in. No harm, no foul. Randy will be waiting about a month before sending his headers off for performance coating. I'll be inquiring about chroming, etc. in the meantime.
The revised plan is as follows:
Get the Gremlin done this week
Get the garage restaged with the trailer back in, dually in front, Super Coupe inside, door shut
Start on the FC body prep the week of 7/24

7/16/00
Visited the Gremlin today and bought it new tires. It's all sanded, ready for primer. Rick will let it sit until Tuesday to harden, wet block it, and shoot paint perhaps Wednesday or Thursday. Meanwhile, he can work on the Zolotone. He'll let the finish color sit for another 3 days before color sanding, wait another day for it to settle, and buff it. So it looks like next Wednesday or so, around 7/26. That should put it at Cruiser's on Friday 7/28 for its revised debut at around $6500. Meanwhile, I'll look for some other wheels.
So the FC looks not to be getting much bodywork attention until around Aug 1st or so.
Tomorrow will see me calling PermaCool for some warranty fan motor replacements on the Condor. If no luck, I'll go with Jeg's.
As the "next" list above noted, there are other things to do on the FC in the meantime. Anyone out there looking to move it along?

7/20/00
Former crew member Nick Pellegrini (about to become a fireman @ e-mail: willbesavinlives….) wants to help, just pressed for time. Ya think?
Capt Laur is out of town on a family reunion (getting eaten alive by Michigan mosquitos), Chief Butch is still in battle, and the security boys (Chris and Darrel) are close to actually showing up. Welder Danny Daniel has vanished (parking tickets/warrants?), and sundry other "interested" parties have just vaporized.
Mr. Reliable, son Mike, is coming Saturday, and we will press on.
So the real crew looks to be Laur, Mike, Chris, Darrel, and perhaps Ed "Tiny" Antcil. Butch is a hopeful.
I ordered the Lexan today from Cadillac Plastics (I know, the echo is annoying but hey, it finally got done), and re-committing to just getting the rig out for a lap or two. The injector and pump are good to go.
Also time to renew the FC license. Did the physical, now just gotta get some paperwork done and send in the money. Speaking of money:

In descending order the Top 20 Arguments in Microsoft's Appeal

20 - Your Honor, all of our arguments have been
posted on www.judgeswifenaked.com.

19 - But I appeared in a commercial wearing a
sweater! Would an evil overlord of an industry-crippling
monopoly appear on TV wearing a *sweater*?

18 - Okay, let me get this straight: You're saying you want us to have *two* monopolies instead of one?!?

17 - Her first name ain't Baby, it's Janet --
Miss Reno if you're nasty!

16 - Continue with this foolishness, mortal, and
I will be forced to unleash the vengeance of my 500-foot
metal battle-robot, Mechasoft!

15 - This court has performed an illegal
operation and will be shut down. [Close] [Details]

14 - Splitting the company would leave the whole
world domination thing wide open for Oprah.

13 - Our reasons for appealing this judgment are
myriad and a bit complicated to explain because you people
are -- no offense-- WAY too stupid to understand.

12 - Isn't anyone at all concerned that McDonalds
sells breakfast AND lunch?

11 - Once we start splitting, there'll be no end
to it. We'll continue multiplying and dominating every
market we enter. Beware the tribble factor!!

10 - We've got fifteen million reasons to throw
out this case --in small, unmarked bills.

9 - Divestiture will restrict the free flow of
pornography guaranteed to all Americans by the Bill of
Rights.

8 - If Windows and our applications can't work
together, the system may become unstable and prone to
crashing... Ha!! Just a little humor, Your Honor!!

7 - Let me explain it this way, Your Honor: as part of Microsoft's endless commitment to serving the needs of its users, we track all traffic to www.humongous-asses.com. Do you
catch my drift, gavelman778?

6 - Lay off or the animated paperclip gets it!

5 - We've begun the split, Your Honor, by appointing Donato the
head of one company and Marisleysis the head of the other.

4 - Immunity from prosecution was clearly stipulated in Mr. Gates's blood contract with Satan.

3 - A split would force Microsoft to release some of its geeks back into the wild, making America 90% less sexy.

2 - Mr. Gates agrees to remove the helmet, breathing apparatus and cape, and refrain from strangling or hurling heavy equipment at his adversaries. In exchange, he gets to keep the Death Star.

and the Number 1 Argument in Microsoft's Appeal...

1 - Two companies would mean Melinda would have
to sleep with Bill twice each year to retain her stock
options.

In web news, webmeister Derek is moving to San Diego to indulge his love interest in his sweetheart. All can still be handled through e-mail. We are still trying to round up crew info for your perusal on the site.
In Gremlin news, the little car has a Zolotoned engine compartment, WAY smoothed and primed body (virtually flawless), and is about to get its Plymouth Prowler Red paint tonight. I'll ante up another $100 to do the interior panels in red as well.
In cabinet news, we're done with the less-than-massively-appreciative Rod Stephenson. He did write a monumentally complimentary letter lauding my painter, John Jarnagin. I collected our final pittance, and immediately shoved it in the bank. We gave him a great job, but his way of thanking us is to rip us a new rectal opening. Jason feels he's just lonely and wants us around (ouch!!). They're still trying to find things to put into the enormous storage systems we've created. I should be so lucky in the garage.
We've mounted the saw table on the wall on a hinge, so that takes care of that impedance to getting the trailer/car in and out. We'll seriously move on getting the Condor out tomorrow (a paying job took precedence today-gotta go for the dough).

7/22/00
The Lexan did NOT arrive. The normally reliable daily truck delivery from Fresno (of course) had an unexpected problem, so no windshield material until late Monday.
We did, however, get the garage a large couple of steps forward to being cleared. We completed mounting the 7 x 8 saw table on the wall on a hinge, so it now folds neatly up and out of the way. We (with difficulty) wheeled the saw around to the east storage. It really needs some HUGE casters and a dolly (under its own castered dolly) to make it truly rollable over the rough flagstone walkway. And, I did a little welding (now that I own a welder or two….actually three including the torch) to fabricate the brackets to hold up the saw table. So, the garage will see the Condor being moved out later tomorrow, as soon as Tiny humps the load of wood blocking the driveway (lose them pounds!). On the FC, Mike and I will concentrate on the fire system lines, perhaps bleeding the brakes, and possibly some wiring completion. There's mounting the injector pump and the hat as well to do. Given that the headers are back, we could even conceivably light it off. But to do that I'll have to jump on getting two new batteries for the FC, two more for the Condor.
The lifeguard tower has achieved its second milestone, which will cause money to flow in (and right out). But $9K of money flowing nonetheless.
Viewed the red Gremlin. Looks good, but of course it needs color sanding to get the orange peel out (usual case). The body was utterly flawless prior to the paint going on, as Rick had done a beautiful job of priming and blocking it out. So no doubt the final product should be glass.

7/22/00
Jason and Mike and I emptied out the garage (save the FC), blew it out, swept it out, cleaned, put things away, threw things away, rolled out the Condor, put back the trailer, washed all the vehicles, and even put the clone car back inside! So the dually and work truck are back off the street, the driveway wood has been neatly relocated (we did it, not Tiny), and progress has been made.
Sadly, the starter on the Condor appears to have really lost it.
I think the backfiring popped off some teeth on the starter. Tomorrow I'll pull it and find out.
So no FC stuff today, but a LOT was accomplished.
Millie and Mike and I are off to the Glendale Cruise tonight. In about a week we could do it in the Gremlin (except that it won't be for another year).
I won't be at Cruiser's on Tampa next Friday night with it (I'll be viewing big-time tennis), but I may let my cabinet guy, Len, take it and work on selling it. He's very hot to make some money on the sale. Meanwhile, Len is working on my office and bath cabinets.

7/23/00
Notwithstanding Bible Bob's call earlier that he was available today, we haven't been able to connect, despite my numerous pages to him. I have opted to do a LOT of putting stuff away, cleaning, organizing, tossing (probably the most important). I'm on the way over to view the color-sanded Gremlin, return Nick his sander, then return for pulling the Condor starter.
Tomorrow should see the Lexan arrive. I'll be POSSIBLY doing a little work on the side window mountings (ala McDannel) a little later today. Dave has not yet called nor sent his list of final to-get-rid-of tools, etc. It turns out Sean Dale picked up the car, and bought just about everything else in the garage as a side deal before pulling out for Sacramento. So there is apparently nothing of real value there. The trailer does have lots of stuff, and Dave promises to get his list together.
My goals for today were:

Remove 10KW xformer and wiring
Finish tool box liners
Put the driveshaft collars on (delivered and waiting)
Set the new Dzus fastener system for the side windows

Without serious help (two more people), we can forget pulling out the 175-pound transformer.
The toolbox liners are doable, and I'm going back out there to commence them. I'm double-decking some of the tool drawers using pre-finished 1/4" Maple plywood as "layers" with cutouts in foam (called "boxing") for the tools themselves.
The driveshaft collar (only one more needed for now) will be relatively quick and easy.
The window fasteners may be fairly simple. I'm about to find out.
On 7/15, I set out these goals:
1-Get the Gremlin done this week-It has been painted, color sanded, and the jambs and interior panels are being done as I write. It will be another three days before I take delivery. Probably going to keep the existing wheels (but with new rubber) for right now.
2-Get the garage restaged with the trailer back in, dually in front-DONE
3-Super Coupe inside, door shut-DONE
Start on the FC body prep the week of 7/24-With the garage arrangement freed up, I CAN roll the body out to begin underside cleaning, etc. This presumes time and personnel to help. I'll probably just throw Tiny on it.
Our newest potential crew members, Chris and Darrel, are really only good on the weekends. They're my next call. Got milk?

MILK

One evening, a woman was working on completing a jingle to win a large cash prize from Carnation Milk. Carnation furnished the first line, "I like Carnation best of all," and it was to be completed in 50 words or less.
A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a
Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her that her entry was the best, but it couldn't be published, and they were giving her a consolation award of $1,000.00.

Here is her entry:

I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul.
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.

My wallet feels like the teats in her poem. The NEW 7500-watt Coleman generator, bogarded for the lifeguard work, has failed. So we've spent the afternoon bringing the Onan back to working order, connecting cables, etc., to make it the generator of choice right now. I think the circuit breakers took a dump on the new one. Too soon to tell. Next call: Home Depot.
No Condor work, no FC work. Took a peek at the Gremlin (I was nearby), and Rick has started the buffing, has sprayed the front doors and jambs (not the inside rear quarters as yet). He was moaning yesterday about how I'm getting a $4000 paint job for cheap. Of course, he wasn't moaning when I offered him this car plus three more, nor when I met his price.
7/25/00
A friend passed this along:
I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to
log in with a password.... now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect... so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis"...I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:
"PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH"

Moved the Condor back out, set the saw up again, pushed more wood materials around the garage.
Tiny will be charged with pulling the Condor starter a little later.
Got the Lexan from Cadillac Plastic, and it is safely (?) here, wrapped in its chipping cardboard, leaning against the trailer.
Money has just evaporated (!!!). We're finishing off several little jobs, including a 2-day small job that has turned into 4 days, due to Jason's failure to use lumber with a properly finished corner. It just looks too rough, so we're having to clad it with plywood and re-stain the beam. We're This one is free from him.

Speaking of free, how about free bumper sticker humor:

Actual bumper stickers found on cars and trucks!
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth
Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive
A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else... And Seek
Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The
Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To
Me.
The Earth Is Full --- Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To
Me.
So Many Pedestrians --- So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My
Name.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The
Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand Basket?
It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk
Somewhere.
If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off.
Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest].
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It
Wrong.
Fight crime --- shoot back!
If you can read this, please flip me back over.
(Seen upside Down, On A Jeep)
Remember folks --- Stop lights timed for 35 mph are
also timed for 70mph.
Guys --- No Shirt, No Service
Gals --- -No Shirt, No Charge.
(Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant)
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut?
Necrophillia --- That Uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Ax Me 'bout Ebonics.
Body by Nautilus --- Brain by Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Cat --- The Other White Meat.
Caution --- Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist --- Broads Hate That.
Heart Attacks ... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

7/27/00
The Gremlin paint is done
The Gremlin windshield is in.
The Gremlin radiator has sprung a leak!
The Gremlin chrome wheels are ordered.
The FC Lexan just sits (but it's here).
The money is gone.
The calls are out for funding.

7/29/00
The Gremlin radiator is fixed.
The chrome wheels were due in Friday, now it will be Tuesday (any bets?).
The air shocks are in.
Mike is here to work on the Gremlin and the FC list.
I'm broke.
My most feared questions are from creditors: "When the hell are we gonna get paid?"
But in general, the 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every
one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if
the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is
analyzed below, along with possible responses.
_______________________________________________

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry
if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on
what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have
met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the
true answer, which most likely is one of the
following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you
died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was
offered
by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to
know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
___________________________________________

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a
more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
________________________________________________

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly
thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just
thinking about how I would spend the insurance money
if you died.
________________________________________________

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just
thinking about how I would spend the insurance money
if you died.
________________________________________________

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of
course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at
least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along
the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: ( makes audible groan )

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace
them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: shit.

The same can be said of the Gremlin. Mike and I remounted the radiator in a much more correct way, ground off the can opener cutaways the previous guy had made around the radiator (which had cut it in the first place), put on the chrome Erson valve covers (very tight fit requiring relocating the coil), adjusted the valves, and bingo, runs lousy!
Pulled off the covers, and found a broken pushrod on #6 exhaust. So off came the manifold, and now I'm searching for a pushrod. Of course it's Saturday night and no one is open right now. Randy Laur has a couple of sets at home, but he's at Pomona with Kirby's twin-engine (two in-line 6 cylinders), then heading for the river. I have a several spares, but they may be for the tall deck. I'll search later and see. We dropped a little oil while adjusting the valves.

7/30/00
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.

Well, here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low.
And of course the reason for that is geographical.
All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, and Alaska.
All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C....

7/31/00
In the case of the Gremlin (no, not the low oil gremlin in DC), the broken pushrod cost an entire two bucks at Auto Zone, although it took some looking. The intake gaskets look OK, so with some silicone as is usual on the front and rear manifold edges, it's going back together in the late morning. If I can get the distributor back in and timed OK, it just may run. It DOES need an oil change, as it smells a little burnt. I'm hoping the pushrod and valve adjustment cures the goofy roughness we found at low speed.
The chrome Erson covers are a tight fit, and only the rigid mounting of the motor will allow them to be used without some dimpling in the rear corners.
The chrome wheels are due in tomorrow. Like I said, any bets?

8/2/00
Well, it's 5 PM, and no wheels. Mark claims they'll be here on the next to last stop on the guy's route.
So, tomorrow?
Tweaked my back today, so avoiding hefting the manifold back in place. Perhaps manana.
Still Desperately Seeking Sustenance.
No $200K loans have materialized as yet (but we're looking).
My little darling wife had some very intrusive lab tests today (she's 100% good), and she came home to a 4 days early birthday present of a new iMAC computer, courtesy of a team effort of both families. I certainly couldn't spring for it alone right now!
This is REALLY a bitch running out of money on the brink of SO many projects being completed. What else is new?

8/3/00
Got the Gremlin back together, and started. Now, to adjust the valves once more. Had to stop to run around getting money.
The fellow who is hot to sell the car, Len, is due here tomorrow with the Koa wood on the office cabinets. He'll be delighted, no doubt, with how it looks now.
On the phone right now to see if the Prime wheels for the Gremlin came in…..remember, we're coming up on a week since they were first due….NOPE! The were NOT delivered, so Mark is sending someone to Gardena to get them tomorrow, exactly a week overdue! This is like creation, taking a week to make something happen. CREATING A RACE CAR IS TOUGH.

The TRUE story of Creation...(author unknown)

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.
And God populated the earth
With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man,
"You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them."
And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt,
That Woman might keep her figure
But the Devil brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said,
"Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, Why doth thou eatest thus?"
I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them."

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw and said,
"It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much
of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth
Into the land of Godiva chocolate,
And upon returning asked Man,
"Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said,
"Always tell the truth."

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this."

One good thing is that I'm getting a little better this week at designating others to get things done. I'm still being pushed around by bids wanting immediate attention (a distraction from chasing the big money), but I'm doing better at scheduling such visits. If I can just close a few of these bids, some cash will be coming in, and that's what we need right now. Getting a commercial asset-based loan for $200K on the lifeguard towers is just critical. We're really stuck without it. The long-term looks good, the immediate looks mega-shitty.

8/4/00
So I started up the Gremlin, adjusted the valves again, and the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
Broke the SAME pushrod again.
I now notice the valve spring on the #6 exhaust valve is broken, and the spring and valve are turning. So the valve was probably was hitting the piston.
I'll pull the spark plug out, put some air in the cylinder (if I can find a tool to do so), and see if it holds air. If so, I'll leave the head on, put on a new spring, try another pushrod, and see if all holds well. If not, off the head will come.
Can't get the air tool to bite on the plug threads, and that's nearly an hour of trying! Of course, the hole is WAY hidden. It works fine on the hole I can see, but not where I need it (does this sound familiar?) Pulled the manifold again, NO pushrod pieces. Must have made its way down to the pan.
Tomorrow I'll stop by Auto Zone for another $2 pushrod purchase, and see if they have any other air tool for the plug hole.

8/6/00
As it's taking so long, I sometimes feel I'm just getting old with this FC project. To that end, here's a brief retrospective on the 70's and now.

Subject: 1970-2000

1970-Want a FC
2000-Want a FC

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"

Off to get the Gremlin valve spring and (maybe) an on-the-head spring compressor.
No FC work today, as it's my darling's birthday. The boys and are escorting her on a walk through Hollywood.

8/7/00
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having
seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is". While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

While the Gremlin did not get into any elevator, it's definitely a hot little number now with hot red paint, hot gray interior, and hot period (no air conditioning). Did get the proper tool, and did get the spring on and functioning. Jerry Lee came by, and helped me get the motor back together one more time, including spotting the critically lost rotor that had fallen down behind the motor.
The engine idles MUCH better now on all 8 cylinders!
We're going out on the street right now to get a hit of fun.

A preacher wanted to raise money for this church and on
being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to
purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go head and enter it in the races.

The sporting pages of the local newspaper reported:
PREACHER ENTERS ASS

To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next
day the local paper carried this headline:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again.
The newspaper started getting interested and announced:
PREACHER KEEPS ASS IN ACTION

This time it won. The paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher
decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would
have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00 Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun
to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headlines in the paper read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

8/9/00
I've buried my foot in the Gremlin on several trips down the street showing 5 different people how fun the ugly duckling turned swan is, including my secretary. Between gasps, holding her mouth, covering her eyes, and quietly screaming, she muttered, "This is like a Magic Mountain ride." Then she laughed.
Randy Laur came by, and we bumped the timing up to proper advance, for even MORE fun. The car feels like a high 11's car. Naturally, low elapsed times are an indicator of two things: big power and big traction. The traction part might be tough.
Len Burgeson was at first reluctant to drive it, as he was sure he'd have to buy it once he felt the grunt. He did drive it, and he's holding tight at selling it for me. He loved it (his words). He talked to some people he knows at Cruiser's (Friday night car shows) and they are still talking about it after only one showing when it was grubby and grungy over 6 weeks ago. Are they in for a surprise this Friday!
Len Burgeson (hot rodder and cabinet maker) is here finishing off the office and bath exotic wood fronts and tops with Koa and Lacewood respectively.
Meanwhile, the rims are STILL not in. Terry claims I can come get them anytime tomorrow morning. Bets anyone?
The air shocks work great, and the Gremlin can now tolerate a half tank of gas and two 220-pound passengers without rubbing the tires. So Doctor Dick has effected some healthy improvements to the little beast.

Actual Doctor Stories (sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction):

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her
Baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart,"

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "
Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch.
The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see: Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for
About twenty years-when my husband was alive."

And of course, the best is saved for last.... I was caring for a
Woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Pharmacist:

A lady walked into a pharmacy & spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked: "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," He answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked
"I can if I take two," he answered.

Well, the counter has stopped, the timer on the tires that is. It's 10:57 PM, and the wheels are IN at the tire shop (actually, it was confirmed about 7 PM tonight). A single piece of interior molding is still at the paint shop. So in one sweeping run, I'll get the wheels and tires changed, pick up the molding, and get back here to prep the car for the Cruiser's extravaganza. Actually, I'll have to do any cleaning on the car very early, as the whole day will be driving ALL OVER the place.

8/19/00
Guess what? They couldn't get the wheels off!!!
The bozo who put these on set the wrong lugs nuts DEEP in the rim. To make it quite short, the car had to go the following Monday to Carter's in Van Nuys, where Gary had to disassemble the left front suspension and brake caliper, then cut off the final recalcitrant stud!! What silliness! Anyway, went back later in the week, got the wheels and tires on, and made it over to both Bob's Big Boy and Cruisers last night. Just driving down the street this car gets nods, smiles, and questions from a wide variety of people. It is a smile machine.
On the Condor front, the Tanner idiocy still haunts. We had been running the engine with a firing order he wrote on the underside of the hood. Mind you, there are TWO firing order, one for Cleveland, one for Windsor. He had the last two cylinders inverted. It does make a difference. Whew!!!
On FC news, Randy and I went to Cool Suit on Monday, and got fitted, educated, and ordered. There are some permutations with this wonderful product, but we're going for the race version which uses a 12-volt pack. I'm getting a used Winston Cup demo pump/reservoir, new custom fitted vest and cap. Randy has a medical version reservoir and pump that will work just fine (for $20 at a garage sale!!!). Now, on the way up to Palmdale/Lancaster, the clone Tbird (the stock one) lost its AC, then started heating. We left it at his house in Palmdale, came back, filled the radiator, and saw water running out of the water pump.
As the trip is virtually all downhill, I risked it. It was bone dry in 6 miles, but I coasted pretty much for 20 more, where it was rattling so bad I stopped. I noticed a 3" long hose off the side of the pump had exploded, and I hoped this was THE problem. I had Tiny bring me up a hose, and we replaced the gnarly-positioned little hose. It STILL leaked, but I got it home, and brought it to Gary Carter for a new water pump. His price was about half of Ford Service.
Mil spec Rob Anderson is now between jobs, and has expressed interest in getting the Condor back to functional glory, particularly getting the cooling system redesigned. We've burned up the e-mails discussing at length the theories of BTU's slewing, etc. Bottom line: he's going to do it HIS way.
In the business end, we just started an addition, which has brought in desperately needed cash flow. Not enough to parcel out any funds as yet for the FC, but a turn of events that will hopefully help us down the road on the project. Speaking of which:

Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they"
call it, "the other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with
seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That
chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and
simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
Roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

AGENT MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
Chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

In coming to grips with the incredible and sordid workings of Tanner's screw-me behavior, it sort of prepared me to do the same with another individual in my life. Good ole Rick has been revealed to be far more sleazy and unethical than ever noted.
I have been informed by the police that his girl friend (the really insane end of the pairing) and he were arrested for credit fraud (he on a warrant, she on the fraud), and that my economic vital statistics were found, along with a computer-duplicated and signed check, in their possessions. This is a perfect transition to:

THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 30 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full
potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all
of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL
NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens ... somebody will find a way to
take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always
one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take
command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is
not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Yes, you are screwed up, but your friends love you anyway.

8/20/00
Actually drove the Condor, about 3 feet. A few days ago, we were trying to start it (I'd pulled the distributor and had it in wrong), and it backfired through the carb. Bang! A 5/16 x 2" bolts hit the underside of the hood and landed in front of the car!!! Sabotage? Who the hell knows. Can you imagine a BOLT laying side the carb??? The Tanner screwings continue.
It appears the dyno-tuned carb is hurting. I think all the sneezing has blown out some power valves, maybe there's dirt in the jets, who knows. But it appears the thing is running way lean, and it spits back whenever I give it throttle, and is very lazy on response. Oh, and Tanner had the firing order wrong on the last two cylinders!! He wrote the incorrect order on the underside of the hood.
I DID find two more PermaCool fan motors that I KNEW I'd bought, stuffed in a box in the new cabinets. Installed those, got the fans all working (all six of them), all the relays wired, filled the Condor with water. So far so good. I'm going to take the Gremlin carb and switch it onto the Condor for a test.
Capt Laur is willing to take a peek at the Holley. George Thomson, who did the carb, has closed his local shop and is working out of his house in Acton, halfway up the hill to Palmdale. Mil spec Rob is anxious for me to get the car up to him to let him revamp the cooling system from his engineering standpoint. And I'll have him do just that. First, I gotta get it running.
Today is the Rodfathers car club picnic, and I'm motoring the Gremlin over there for some food and chat.
Afterwards, switch the carb. After that, cut some lexan.